How Do I Know If I Have a Healthy or Secure Attachment?
When it comes to relationships (romantic, friendships, or even family) attachment plays a huge role in how we connect with others. Maybe you’ve heard terms like secure attachment, anxious attachment, or avoidant attachment floating around on TikTok, in therapy, or in articles, and now you’re wondering:
“How do I know if I have a healthy or secure attachment?”
The truth is, attachment styles are not about labeling yourself as “good” or “bad” at relationships. They’re about understanding how your early life experiences and your current emotional patterns shape the way you relate to others. Knowing your attachment style can help you build healthier connections and also spot patterns that might be holding you back.
Let’s dive into what secure attachment looks like, how you can tell if you have it, and what to do if you don’t (pssstttt… attachment styles can change and heal).
What is Attachment?
Attachment is the emotional bond we form with others, especially in close relationships. The concept comes from attachment theory, which was originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth.
At its core, attachment theory says:
The way we were cared for as children shapes how we relate to others as adults.
Our early experiences with caregivers influence how safe we feel being vulnerable, depending on others, or trusting others in adulthood.
This isn’t about blaming your parents or caregivers. It’s about recognizing that your attachment patterns are learned and that means they can be relearned too.
What Does Secure Attachment Look Like?
Secure attachment, often called “healthy attachment,” is when you feel confident in yourself and comfortable being close to others. People with secure attachment are able to balance independence and connection.
Some hallmarks of secure attachment include:
You trust that others will be there for you.
You feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings.
You’re not overly afraid of being abandoned or rejected.
You can give love and accept love without constant fear.
Conflict doesn’t feel like the end of the world—you believe things can be worked out.
You allow your partner (or friends) to have their independence without feeling threatened.
You don’t need constant reassurance, but you also don’t push people away when they get close.
In short, secure attachment means relationships feel like a safe, supportive space rather than a constant source of fear, stress, or chaos.
How Do I Know If I Have a Healthy or Secure Attachment?
Ask yourself some of these questions:
1. Do I Trust Easily?
If you generally believe people have good intentions and don’t assume betrayal is around the corner, that’s a sign of secure attachment.
2. How Do I Handle Conflict?
With secure attachment, conflict isn’t avoided, but it also isn’t catastrophic. You may feel upset, but you also believe the relationship can bounce back.
3. Do I Feel Okay Being Alone?
Securely attached people don’t panic when they’re single, nor do they fear being smothered in relationships. They can enjoy closeness and independence.
4. Can I Express My Needs Without Shame?
If you can tell your partner or friend, “I need support right now” without spiraling into guilt, you may have a secure style.
5. Do I Believe I Deserve Love?
At the heart of secure attachment is the belief that you’re worthy of love and belonging, even when you’re not perfect.
What if I Don’t See Myself in This?
If your answer to most of the above is “not really,” that doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means you may lean more toward an insecure attachment style.
Here’s a quick breakdown:
Anxious Attachment: You crave closeness but often worry people will leave you. You may overthink texts, fear abandonment, and need a lot of reassurance.
Avoidant Attachment: You value independence to the point of keeping people at arm’s length. Vulnerability feels uncomfortable, so you may shut down or pull away.
Disorganized Attachment: A mix of both, wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time. Often linked to trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
Many people don’t fall 100% into one category. You might find you have a “lean” toward one style, but with practice and healing, you can move toward secure attachment.
Why Secure Attachment Matters (In and Outside of Romantic Relationships)
Attachment style isn’t just about romance, it affects how you relate in all areas of life:
In friendships, it helps you set boundaries and trust your friends.
In work, it allows you to collaborate without fear of rejection or micromanaging.
In family, it helps you navigate conflict without spiraling into old patterns.
Secure attachment often means relationships feel supportive rather than draining. It gives you space to grow without constantly worrying about losing the connection.
Can You Develop a Secure Attachment Later in Life?
Absolutely. Even if you didn’t grow up with consistent care or if past relationships left scars, attachment can shift. Healing and learning new ways to connect are possible.
Ways people often develop more secure attachment:
Therapy: Working with a therapist can help you unpack past patterns and practice new ways of relating.
Healthy Relationships: Being with friends, partners, or mentors who model consistency and respect can help you rewire how you experience closeness.
Self-Awareness: Noticing your triggers and practicing different responses helps you feel more in control of your patterns.
Inner Work: Practices like journaling, mindfulness, and self-compassion can teach you to provide security for yourself.
How to Nurture Secure Attachment in Your Life
If you want to strengthen secure attachment, try these steps:
1. Work on Emotional Honesty
Practice telling others how you feel in real time. Start small, like “I’m a little stressed today,” and build up to bigger disclosures.
2. Notice Your Triggers
Do you panic when someone takes a while to text back? Do you feel uncomfortable when someone compliments you? These are opportunities to pause and ask: “What story am I telling myself right now?”
3. Set and Respect Boundaries
Boundaries are part of secure attachment. They protect both your needs and the other person’s needs. Healthy relationships balance closeness with independence.
4. Practice Trust
Trust is a muscle. Start by assuming people mean well unless they show otherwise. Over time, this reduces anxiety in relationships.
5. Surround Yourself With Secure People
Relationships with securely attached people can feel calming. They model stability and help you internalize that security yourself.
How Therapy Can Help With Attachment
At Better Minds Counseling & Services, we often work with individuals and couples exploring their attachment styles. Therapy can help by:
Identifying Your Style: Sometimes just knowing your patterns can bring clarity and relief.
Healing Past Wounds: Therapy helps you process old experiences that shaped your attachment. For instance, if you have a hard time trusting people, therapy will help you regain that safety you lost.
Learning New Skills: You can practice communication, boundary-setting, and emotional regulation in a safe space.
Improving Current Relationships: Therapy gives you strategies to shift dynamics in real time.
Building Self-Worth: At the root of secure attachment is the belief that you are worthy of love. Therapy helps you grow into that belief.
So, how do you know if you have a healthy or secure attachment?
Look at how you trust, communicate, and connect. If you feel safe being yourself, open in your relationships, and able to balance closeness with independence, you’re likely leaning toward secure attachment.
And if you’re not there yet? That’s okay. Attachment isn’t set in stone. With self-awareness, supportive relationships, and sometimes professional help, you can absolutely move toward a healthier, more secure way of connecting.
Because at the end of the day, attachment isn’t about being “perfect” in relationships, it’s about creating spaces where both you and your loved ones feel safe, valued, and connected.
Want to find your way into a more healthy, secure attachment in your relationships? Reach out to meet with a Better Minds therapist today who will help get you there.
