When the Holidays Aren’t So Merry
The holidays are supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right? …At least, that’s what every commercial, movie, and social media post tells us.
But for many people, the holidays bring something very different: emotional exhaustion, pressure to perform happiness, resurfacing grief, and the anxiety of being around family members who might trigger old wounds. Especially if folks have too much to drink and really want to unpack those sore spots on you.
If you’ve ever felt heavy, tense, or on edge during the holidays, even while everyone else seems cheerful… this is more common than you may think.
Let’s unpack what really happens during this season, how depression, anxiety, OCD, and trauma can show up, and most importantly, how to care for yourself while still showing up (or choosing not to).
The Myth of the “Perfect” Holiday
From Hallmark movies to Instagram, we’re surrounded by images of picture-perfect dinners, glowing lights, and effortlessly happy families. It’s beautiful, but it’s also deeply unrealistic. Real holidays are messy. They bring together people with shared histories, unspoken tension, and decades of emotional patterns that resurface the moment you walk through the door. That’s why even people who are doing “fine” most of the year can suddenly find themselves anxious, irritable, or emotionally shut down in December.
When you add depression, anxiety, OCD, or trauma into the mix, it’s not just “holiday stress”; it’s emotional survival mode.
How These Struggles Can Show Up During the Holidays
Let’s talk about how each can present, because naming it helps take away the shame.
Depression
The holidays often amplify loneliness and comparison. You might find yourself thinking:
“Everyone else seems happy.”
“I should be enjoying this.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
Depression during the holidays can look like:
Feeling emotionally numb or detached, even during joyful moments
Oversleeping or not sleeping enough
Changes in appetite
Feeling guilty for not being “grateful enough”
Struggling with motivation or energy
Wishing the holidays would “just be over”
Sometimes, the very things that are supposed to bring connection, like gatherings or traditions, can highlight what feels missing in your life.
Anxiety
The holiday season is full of unpredictability: travel plans, family expectations, social gatherings, and financial pressure. That uncertainty can trigger anxiety in big ways.
Signs might include:
Overthinking every detail (“What if I say the wrong thing?” “What if there’s conflict?”)
Feeling physically tense or restless
Difficulty relaxing or being present
Avoiding events out of fear or worry
People-pleasing to keep the peace
Needing to “prepare” for every possible scenario
If your anxiety feels heightened around the holidays, you’re not alone—your nervous system is reacting to real (and remembered) stress.
OCD
For those with OCD, the holidays can magnify intrusive thoughts and compulsions. Changes in routine, disruptions in structure, and being around triggering people or environments can make symptoms spike.
You might notice:
Repetitive mental checking (“Did I say something offensive?” “What if I hurt someone?”)
Needing to control or perfect certain holiday details
Feeling intense guilt or shame over intrusive thoughts
Avoiding certain situations or rituals out of fear of contamination or harm
Increased reassurance-seeking from loved ones
The pressure to “act normal” can make OCD feel even more isolating, but it’s not your fault. Your brain is trying to protect you, even if it’s overfiring.
Trauma
The holidays can reopen old wounds—especially if you’re seeing family members connected to painful memories. Trauma doesn’t always announce itself loudly; it can show up subtly or through the body.
You might experience:
Feeling on edge, hypervigilant, or easily startled
Emotional flashbacks (feeling small, unsafe, or frozen around certain people)
Wanting to isolate
Physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, or fatigue
Feeling disconnected from your body or surroundings
Intense emotional swings
These reactions don’t mean you’re regressing; they mean your nervous system is trying to protect you from perceived danger, even if that “danger” is an emotional memory.
Why Family Gatherings Can Be So Emotionally Charged
Family systems run on patterns, often ones that started before you were even born. When you return home, it’s easy to slip back into old roles: the fixer, the peacekeeper, the quiet one, the one who “never causes trouble.”
Maybe you’ve done years of therapy and growth work, only to feel 15 again the moment someone makes a passive-aggressive comment or brings up a painful topic at dinner.
This is normal. Familiar environments can trigger old coping mechanisms, even when you’ve outgrown them. The body remembers, and it reacts before your logical brain even catches up.
So if you find yourself reverting to old behaviors, know that you’re not “failing” at progress. You’re just human in a familiar storm.
3 Ways to Navigate Stressful Family Interactions
You don’t have to dread the holidays or avoid them entirely. It’s about finding balance—showing up in ways that protect your peace.
Here are three approaches that can help you stay grounded and intentional.
1. Plan for Emotional Safety, Not Perfection
Ask yourself before any gathering:
“What do I need to feel emotionally safe?”
“What boundaries can I set ahead of time?”
“Who can I reach out to if things get overwhelming?”
You can plan exit strategies that aren’t dramatic: taking a walk, stepping outside for fresh air, or saying you need to check on something in another room.
You’re not being rude for protecting your energy—you’re honoring your limits.
And if you know certain topics or people are triggering, it’s okay to prepare some calm, neutral responses like:
“Let’s talk about something lighter.”
“I’d rather not get into that.”
“I hear your perspective.” (Then walk away.)
Not every comment deserves your energy.
2. Ground Yourself Before and After Gatherings
Before the event, check in with your body. Are you tense? Holding your breath? Dreading certain moments?
Try a few grounding practices before you walk in:
Deep breathing (inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 6)
Listening to music that calms or empowers you
Wearing something soft or comforting that helps you feel like you
Setting an intention: “My peace matters more than perfection.”
Afterward, give yourself permission to decompress. Take a quiet bath, journal, or watch a comfort show. Let yourself come down from the emotional stimulation. Your nervous system isn’t a switch; it needs time to recalibrate.
3. Let “No” Be a Complete Sentence
You’re allowed to skip gatherings that compromise your well-being. You’re allowed to leave early. You’re allowed to change traditions that no longer serve you.
The holidays aren’t a moral test… they’re just days on a calendar. The world won’t end if you choose peace over obligation. Sometimes, self-care means redefining what connection looks like; maybe that’s spending time with chosen family, volunteering, or creating a quieter version of the holidays that feels more like you.
3 Ways to Care for Yourself When Emotions Run High
Your mental health deserves care before, during, and after the holidays. Here’s how to nurture yourself intentionally through it all.
1. Name What’s Really Going On
If you’re struggling, start by naming it without judgment:
“I’m feeling anxious because I want this to go well.”
“I’m feeling sad because I miss how things used to be.”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed because this environment feels unsafe.”
Naming emotions lowers their intensity. It brings your prefrontal cortex (the thinking part of your brain) back online, helping you regulate. Try not to push feelings away; they’ll just come back louder. Instead, acknowledge them like waves: notice them, breathe through them, and let them pass.
2. Make Room for Small Joys
Even in difficult seasons, moments of ease can coexist with pain.
You don’t have to force positivity, but you can invite small joys in:
Light a candle that smells like comfort
Text a friend who “gets it”
Spend time with a pet
Listen to music that soothes you
Create your own mini ritual, like a morning coffee alone before the chaos begins
Joy doesn’t have to be loud. Sometimes it’s quiet resilience in the middle of the storm.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Differently
You don’t owe anyone a performance of happiness. If you’re grieving, anxious, or triggered; it’s okay to feel that way.
Sometimes, healing looks like letting yourself exist as you are, without trying to fix every feeling. You can still be loving, grateful, and present, even if you’re also sad or overwhelmed.
5 Ways Therapy Can Help You Through the Holidays
If you’ve ever thought, “I just need to get through the holidays,” therapy can help you do more than survive; it can help you understand what’s happening beneath the surface.
Here’s how:
1. Identifying Triggers and Emotional Patterns
A therapist helps you unpack why certain people, situations, or phrases affect you so deeply. Together, you’ll identify old dynamics that resurface during family gatherings, like people-pleasing, guilt, or self-blame.
Understanding your triggers means you can prepare for them instead of being blindsided.
2. Developing Grounding and Coping Strategies
You’ll learn practical tools to help your body regulate during stressful moments, like breathwork, mindfulness, sensory grounding, or cognitive reframing.
A therapist might help you create a “holiday coping plan” tailored to your specific triggers, so when the stress hits, you already have your anchor ready.
3. Navigating Boundaries and Communication
Setting boundaries with family can feel terrifying, especially if you’ve been taught it’s selfish or disrespectful. Therapists help you find language that feels firm yet kind—so you can communicate needs without guilt. They can also role-play conversations with you, helping you feel prepared for tough moments.
4. Processing Past Holiday Trauma
For those with trauma, holidays can bring emotional flashbacks or resurfaced memories. Therapy offers a safe space to process what comes up without having to face it alone. You’ll learn how to recognize trauma responses in your body, like shutting down, fawning, or hypervigilance—and how to ground yourself compassionately when they appear.
5. Building Emotional Resilience
Therapy isn’t just about surviving hard moments; it’s about building the capacity to move through them with more confidence and self-compassion each time. Over time, you’ll notice triggers feel a little less overwhelming, your boundaries feel more natural, and your connection to yourself feels stronger; even in stressful environments.
You Deserve Peace This Season
You don’t have to love every part of the holidays to be a good person. You don’t have to fake joy to be welcome.
You’re allowed to take up space, feel your emotions, and create boundaries that protect your well-being.
Whether you spend the holidays surrounded by people or intentionally alone, your peace is worth protecting.
And if this time of year brings up depression, anxiety, OCD, or trauma, therapy can be a grounding space to help you make sense of it all.
At Better Minds Counseling & Services, our therapists specialize in helping adults navigate emotional triggers, relationship stress, OCD, and trauma with compassion and evidence-based support. We offer online therapy in Delaware, Pennsylvania, Maryland, North Carolina, New Jersey, and Virginia, so you can receive care wherever you are this season.
You don’t have to get through the holidays alone. You deserve to feel grounded, supported, and understood… this year and every year. Schedule here today.
“You can honor the holidays without betraying yourself. Peace is a gift you’re allowed to give yourself, too.”
